Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
