Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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