Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
