There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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