Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
