2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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