What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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