My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
