I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
