the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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