you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
