A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
