Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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