I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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