I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize