Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
