You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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