I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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