He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
