I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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