if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The best revenge is premature balding
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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