i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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