Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
