can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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