"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
