I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
