Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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