Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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