Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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