Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
