God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
