Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
