I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
