i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
