There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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