i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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