apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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