Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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