haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
