They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
