I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
