I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
