i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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