First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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