well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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