Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
