i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
