I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
