Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
