i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
