if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
