I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
People in love make me want to vomit
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
