Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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