dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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