I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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