Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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