WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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