My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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