Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize