Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
