New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
