its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
