Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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