Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize